Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Missing My Mom

(long sigh) Sometimes I have to "do a double take" is a sense, and wonder if this really happened to us. Honestly, I still can't believe Mom's gone. I miss her so much. There are days that I really want to pick up the phone and call her. And almost every day at some point when the phone rings, for a split second I think 'that's probably mom calling me.' The biggest reminders for me of how much I miss her is the phone call thing, and eating out. We ate out alot with Mom and Dad. I have memories at almost every restaurant in town, of us walking in together (or of us waiting on them to arrive :)-ha ), talking and eating. I can look over at the table we ate at and relive the moment in my mind. We loved to go eat with them at the new restaurants in town that just opened up. With the growth Owasso has had the past few years, there are quite a few places that we enjoyed together. Mazzio's every Sunday after church. McAlisters Deli every Tuesday after Ladies Bible Study, when Selah was a baby. On and on...
This past Sunday we bought new furniture for our living room. We were at Mathis Brothers for several hours picking out the fabrics, fringe, etc. When we got in the car and headed home, the first thing I wanted to do was call mom and tell her about it. These are the times my heart hurts the most.
I do feel very alone. She has always been "in my corner." Especially lately with spending so much time thinking about homeschooling the kids, I really wish she were here. Sometimes I feel so "alone" in a sense. I have plenty of friends, and can't go anywhere without seeing and talking to people I know. You probably wouldn't think I'd feel so lonely with a life full of great friends. But much to my surprise, I do.
I guess I've always just thought she would be here to help me raise the kids. Not necessarily to share in the responsibility, but to share in the journey. The kids do okay with the situation. We talk about Grandma Vicki quite a bit. Charis asked me the other day when she is going to come back from Heaven. Charis has been a big support through this, funny as that may seem. When she sees me cry or knows that I am sad because of a memory or because of one of those reminders I mentioned above, she says to me... "it's okay Mommy! Grandma Vicki's in heaven!!!" and then kisses me. If this happens when we're in the car, she say "I'll kiss you at home!" One day Selah came out of her room all dressed and ready for the day. She was wearing the earrings Mom gave her just a couple weeks before we knew the cancer was back. And she was wearing the Breast Cancer neclace I bought for Selah to wear when Mom was sick. Selah showed me the earrings and neclace and said to me "I'm thinking alot about Grandma Vicki today."
She was loved by so many, and she really was so fun. She loved everything! I miss her charisma and her fun spirit SO much and just can't hardly stand it.

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